Dreams are always there

 i'm so tired of people saying stuff to me about not eating much. 

Do what you want. Stuff your face all you want. It's your body.

If all i want is coffee, celery and water then so be it.

I want someone to praise me. Well, not even neccessarily praise me...just understand that I do it because I have a problem. But a problem that I dont have a problem with. I don't want to eat. I dont want to gain weight. I don't care how much I lose or how skinny my arms are. I don't care.

Thank God for the people in the pa_waiting room. I love them all. 

And I know no one is reading this entry either, but that's okay. 

Becasue knowing they understand is all i need.

I love you.
I know you love me too.
I only wish you could hear me through

I have waited so long
Through thick and thin
Why must you now make me wait again

Three and a half years young
Yes I know it's true
But how much longer must I wait for you

My heart is ready
My mind is clear
Please hold my hand because I fear

That three years young
Will soon turn old
And you'll leave me out in the bitter cold.

Oh please
Cant you see
How much I need you here with me?

What we are now
Is loving and true
But I need to be so much more for you

Here we are
Right where we stand
Past stage one, but not yet hand in hand

Look in my eyes
And try to tell me

That I am not the one for you.

Be scared
for a moment.

Be unsure
about the future

But dont try and tell me
That these are the reasons you are frightened to move forward.



Because thats not good enough.

and back into my life.

I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Good for my self-esteem. Bad for my health. But right now, at the moment, the latter of the two is not as important to my brain.

endo...bite me. I'm done with your horrible medicine.

it's been a while. I've been tired. My head is filled to capacity with 300 thousand thoughts or more. I can't even begin to explain. Everything in my life is all jumbled and people expect me to straighten it all out within a matter of minutes.
ugh. i can't handle it.

and i didn't do so hott. I went over a bit..and i'm so angry about it! I'm not eating at all tomorrow until dinner...because I'm going over to my parents and don't really have a choice. but next day..fasting all day! to make up for today and tomorrow. ugh... i'm so tired. bed soon. Long day at work.

i don't care if i'm not 200 pounds! i still think i'm fat! ARGH! when one of your closest friends says "get over it" it's so angering! She doesn't get it! Just because she's okay with her 130 doesn't mean i'm okay with my 120. it's so huge! i hate myself every time i look into the mirror. this abc diet is working though. i can feel it. and i work out a lot now. Getting up at 6 tomorrow to go running before work at 830. i'm proud.

i had 500 cal today. it felt good restricting myself. i'm working hard to get through the abc diet. 

I only re-created this page for a specific reason. I haven't had an LJ since middle school or something like that. Anyway, many years later, here I am.